the night wanderer's path

Ariadneia, the Finding

Nykti Harcourt — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 00:19:57 +0000

Ah, love is old, love is new
Love is all, love is you

Because the sky is blue
It makes me cry
Because the sky is blue

Today, as well as being Rosh HaShana (Jewish), the Noumenia (Hellenistic), and Talk Like A Pirate Day (..?!?), it is also the first day of a three-day festival known as the Ariadneia, which recalls and commemorates the myth of Ariadne’s finding, union, death and final joining with Dionysos. It was created in 2004 by the group Thiasos Lusios. I’m not sure how many still celebrate it now, but I think its still worth celebrating.

The first day is called “Finding”. Ariadne was a princess of Crete, daughter of King Minos and Queen Pasiphaë, and thus also the half-sister of the Minotaur, the fabled monster who dwelt in the labyrinth. He was the son of Pasiphaë, when a bull came from the sea she fell in love with him, and had a wooden cow built so she could sneak out and copulate with the bull. She became pregnant, and gave birth to the Minotaur, who was then locked in the labyrinth (which was built by Daedalus and his son Icarus).

Now, when Minos’ son, Androgeus went to Athens, he was killed, and the Cretan empire laid assault on the city of Athens. Aegeas, the current King of Athens, relented and asked Minos what they could do as an apology. Minos demanded that fourteen youths come to Crete every seven years, seven young men and seven young women would then be led into the labyrinth, where the man-fleshing eating Minotaur would devour them.

This is where Theseus comes in. He is the son of Aegeas and Aithra, the daughter of the Troezen king Pittheus. Now, when Aegeas first became king, he had another wife, but they didn’t have any male heirs. This bothered him deeply, so he went to the Oracle at Delphi for a reason. She told him “Do not loosen the bulging mouth of the wineskin until you have reached the height of Athens, lest you die of grief.” Aegeas has no idea what this means, and he’s pretty angry about it. So when he goes to Pittheus, he tells him about the Oracle’s response, and Pittheus is pretty sure he knows what it means. He presents his daughter Aithra, who is very, very drunk and the two have sex. When Aegeas finds out that she becomes pregnant, he leaves his sandals, shield, and sword under a rock and tells her that when the boy is old enough, he can remove the rock, take his things and come to Athens, and Aegeas would recognize his son (presumably as heir).

Now, this is exactly what happens. Theseus grows up to be a very strong and brave man. He finds his father’s things and goes to Athens. After some mishaps (as this is when the story intersects with Medea’s story), he convinces his father to let him go to Crete and kill the Minotaur. Already he has dragged the Marathonian Bull (which some reckon is the same bull that fathered the Minotaur) to be sacrificed on an altar in Athens, so he father consents. The only stipulation is that when he returns, he flies white sails if they succeeded, black if Theseus died.

This brings us back around to Ariadne, who has lived on Crete her whole life. For whatever reason, she wants to leave. And when Theseus comes as one of the seven young men to enter the labyrinth, she falls in love with him and vows to help him, giving him a sword and a ball of red yarn, so he may find his way out of the labyrinth when he accomplishes his task. He does kill the Minotaur, and flees the labyrinth with the remaining Athenians as well as Ariadne, who is disowned by her family (you might think that this would be a good thing for Minos, but he held one of the greatest city-states to his whims; thus the killing of the Minotaur releases them from the payment).

As they are sailing away, they stop at the island of Naxos. Many people give many reasons as to why Theseus abandoned Ariadne there, but he did. Perhaps he grew bored of her, or that she wasn’t worth much any longer (as the disowned princess, she was worth not a lot). Or, as some ancient sources say, Athene led Theseus away because she was already married to Dionysos. Either way, Ariadne was left on the wind-swept rocks of Naxos, left to whatever fate became her. Ariadne went mad in her grief, at the loss of someone she loved very deeply, at the loss of her family, and the fact that she may now die on this island. Resigned to her fate, she fell into a deep sleep, telling the gods that she wanted them to take her, because she had nothing left to live for.

It was Dionysos who found her on the island, sailing in the Tyrseian ship which had once tried to hold him against his will, and he instantly fell in love with her. No satyr or nymph entranced him as such as she, and he awoke her on the island she thought she had died and literally gone to Heaven. But, he convinced her that no, she was not dead, and that he wanted to make her his wife. Say what you will, but I think they are sole-mates, and Ariadne agreed because she loved him. Not because he was a god, but because she loved him and who he was.

Now, this is not where the story ends. It actually continues. But today is the day of Finding, where Ariadne was left to die on rocky Naxos and was found by Dionysos, who brought her back and made her his wife, made her discover life again. We’ve all been at that point in our lives, where things seem hopeless, where we don’t want to go on. Some of us have even been in the position where we were betrayed by those who loved us deeply, and that we were willing to seek death to escape the pain. But then comes along someone like Dionysos, who pulls you up and keeps you moving. He shows you that life is worth living, that not everyone is mean-hearted or cruel, and that the pain will ease as long as you don’t continue to wallow in it. It’s a solemn festival, but also one that brings new beginning, the bright sunrise to show that the night will end, that the darkness fades, and that all pain eases.

I really find it is represented in the tarot card threesome of the Star, the Moon, and the Sun. The Star is the beginning, the seed. It is the journey that all starts with a single thought, a single dream (if you wish upon a star ~). The Moon is the darkness, it IS the journey. It holds the setbacks we place on ourselves, and others. It contains the messages we need to learn in order to grow. Haven’t you ever heard its not the ending, its the journey? Well, this is something like that. The Sun is the ending of the journey, where the sun rises and the darkness goes away. It shows that if we keep going, eventually we’ll reach that point. If we keep working towards loosening and breaking the chains that bind us, that prevent us from being who we really are, that they WILL break, and we can be free.

I should point out at the Moon card is not inherently doom and gloom. Within these contexts, thats what I see it as at this moment. How many times have you made personal revelations, discovered things about yourself, in the dead of night? In a dark cave? When you were having a “dark night of the soul”?

It’s dark, but its necessary. If we never try and work through the sorrow or the pain, we’ll never recover. Some of us maybe it will take less than a year. For others, it can take more than 5 years and even more. I don’t think Ariadne was magically healed. I was thinking about it today, Ariadne, at least in this story, was mortal. When you undergo that kind of betrayal, that kind of sorrow leaves a hole in you. It’s a part that isfet (uncreation; a concept in Kemetic theology. basically whats destroyed can be rebuilt again, but what was uncreated never can be created again) ate away. It will never regrow. One of Dionysos’ epithets is “Meilikhios”. The image of a young Dionysos trying to help heal the isfet-battered, wounded and depressed Ariadne is a tender yet sombering image, but its one that exists. Have you ever had to hold someone until they cried to sleep? Have you ever had to sit there and listen as someone you loved told you of all the horrors that happened to them? Have you ever had to calm someone down who had a panic attack over something you saw as trivial, yet for them all the memories of abuse flooded back to them, just over maybe trying to draw or paint something, or maybe even do the dishes?

It really is a depressing image. These are people caught in a spiral of anguish and sorrow. This is how I see Ariadne, at this point. Her healing is not instantaneous. Losing everything you had is not something you get over over night. People who acted like Dionysos in this role need to continue being strong, because they can see the person when the other person can’t. They see the smiles, the happiness that comes at rare moments. They see someone who can do great things in the world, and they can see a life worth living. And they need to continue fighting to pull those Ariadne’s out of that spiral, because they know what will happen if they never do get out. It’s not a fate worth anyone, in my opinion.

.. So, thats my thoughts today on the festival. It will be cross-posted to both my journal and my spiritual blog. I hope you enjoyed reading this, and perhaps take something from it as well. Tomorrow is the day of Union, which celebrates Ariadne as the wife of Dionysos and the Queen of the Bakkhantes! A bit of a happier festival, if I must say. :)

Now, go hug you loved ones. Husbands, wives, girlfriends and boyfriends, pets and children and family members and friends. Show them that you care about them.

Dionysos and Gender fluidity

Nykti Harcourt — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 05:42:54 +0000

The following was originally a post to the Hellenistai forum, entitled “The Gods and Gender?”. However by the time I finished the post, I realized that it really didn’t answer the question at all. For all that I talk about Dionysos, I really haven’t had a more.. personal relationship with him, I think, to answer that question. But since I spent a lot of time on it, I decided to re-post it here!

“Dionysos. Nuff said.

Nah, just kidding. I’ll answer this seriously. ;)

Now, first off, I think we have to define sex and gender. I do not see them as the same thing, and one I find more ludicrous than the other (I’ll try and explain why). Sex is what we are born with. Many of us are born biologically, with all the plumbing intact, female or male. And then there are those who are born hermaphroditic, to A LOT of varying degrees (although true hermaphroditism is pretty rare). It also seems to target “males” primarily.

Then there is gender, and this is where things get sticky. Gender is what we, as humans, created as roles to fit the two sexes (although there are numerous tribes and cultures who recognize/d a third sex, and thus, a third gender). Also, a lot of it just developed over time, determined by what the males and females did (take the hunter-gatherer approach, where men hunted and women gathered [most often], and thus men became positive, yang, aggressive, while women became passive, yin, negative. To use a couple of stereotypes). And some of it have just developed it naturally. However, the idea of gender is so incredibly fluid and varies from person to person, culture to culture, its hard to have one cohesive idea of what is “male” and what is “female”.

And thus, this is where I come in, not having a damn clue! XD I have never considered “girls have to do this” or “boys have to do this”. If I did, it always felt “weird”, and was often followed up by the idea of “well why the hell does it have to be like that?!”. I was never your typical “girl”. I did not like barbies, but preferred Power Rangers and TMNT and the like. Any interest I had in “girl”-y things was rare and far between. So what I did as what I thought was normal, this was projected outwards to everyone else. I would use the term “gender blind”, but its not entirely true to me. I can see gender, and recognize how people use it, I just don’t [i]understand[/i] it.

And thus, where Dionysos comes in. He is the master of gender fluidity. His cult was dominated by women, both mythic and real, who wanted to run about the countryside in his honour, dancing until their feet bled, drinking copious amounts of wine, and seducing men as they passed through town. This idea was so antithetical to the Greeks (and to the Romans, as much of his worship was banned in Rome in the beginning until they relented) it probably blew their minds a little, and thus why Dionysos was always “on the edge” of Greek society. He is the God of Others, of the Outside. Its also why he was always said to have been “a new god” in the Greece pantheon, when that’s pretty false for the most part. His name is found in Linear B! Not a lot of gods can boast that. :)

Yet his cult was tolerated, and excepted on some level. Men were dressed as women and acted like them (so I would not be surprised if homosexuality existed in his cult; and not in the pederastic sense). Women took on roles in his cult that were normally (I mean as far as I know, I don’t have much knowledge in what is done in “proper temple cultus”) given to men in other temples to other gods.

So.. for me I see Dionysos as male (or at least how I perceive him, I suppose) but it really kind of boils down to “it doesn’t matter”, because with him, its just more than … that. That’s my take on pretty much a lot of things dealing with gender and sexuality. I identify as a genderqueer pansexual, because I do not fit within a lot of boxes that are normally out there. So I guess I’m just in one big box. ^^; Or a special box. Hm.”

Jim Morrison’s poetry and Dionysos

Nykti Harcourt — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 11:07:16 +0000

Last weekend we had a bonfire in my back yard with my mom, dad, and my uncle M, aunt J, and my aunt C. And my mom had brought out her 60’s and 70’s rock collection (she has a bunch of these cds that every decade has at least 10 discs; she doesn’t have them all, but she has a lot!) and The Doors were playing and they were talking about Jim Morrison, and I mentioned he had written a book of poetry (and also casually mentioned just to J that in a lot of his work he compared himself to Dionysos) that I also wanted to read. My aunt J piped up that her daughter’s boyfriend had actually bought a “package” from Chapters that contained this said book of poetry and said I could borrow it.

How could I -not- leap at that chance? I’ve read it a lot on my Dionysos groups that Jim Morrison has been an inspiration for many in their Dionysian paths, some considering him to be a “helmsman” or nigh an avatar for Dionysos at times. I mean hell, the man from what I read considered it too! Although I’ve honestly had little interest in The Doors or Morrison before I chose to follow Dionysos, I think its a path worth exploring. As per Anafiel Delauney in Jacqueline Carey’s Kushiel series said, “All knowledge is worth having”. And these tales of connection with this man are not baseless or willy-nilly, there has been some serious connection. So I think its worth checking out.

I’ll just have to remember to phone and ask if I can come pick it up to check it out, since I’m trying to delve back into my spirituality and figure this is as good a place as any!

Selene and Dionysos

Nykti Harcourt — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 02:20:08 +0000

I have found quite a few things exciting about Lady Selene (seriously, can we praise Theoi.com enough?), after getting the nudge from her (or Someone Else) to look more into her myths. And man did I find a lot!

In Nonnus’ Dionysiaca Selene appears numerous times. In the Titanomachy, Typhoeus faces off against at one point Selene, who is described as pulling a chariot with white oxen, and the patterns on the moon come from the blows he made on the diadem Selene wears (basically, battle scars). Also a nice description of apparently Selene ripping open Typhoeus’s throat.

“[The monster Typhoeus laid siege to heaven, challenging the rule of Zeus :] Many a time he [Typhoeus] took a bull at rest from his rustic plowtree and shook him with a threatening hand, bellow as he would, then shot him against Selene the Moon like another moon, and stayed her course, then rushed hissing against the goddess, checking with the bridle her bulls’ white yoke-straps, while he poured out the mortal whistle of a poison-spitting viper. But Titanis Mene [Selene] would not yield to the attack. Battling against the Gigante’s heads, like horned to hers [Selene was pictured with horns and a disc between them which formed the circle of the moon, with these she locked horns with one of Typhoeus’ bull heads], she carved many a scar on the shining orb of her bull’s horn [i.e the smooth white surface of the moon was scarred by this battle]; and Selene’s radiant cattle bellowed amazed at the gaping chasm of Typhaon’s throat.”

There is also another mention of when Dionysos and his followers and fleeing the wrath of Pentheus.

“Mene [Selene the Moon] helped Bromios [Dionysos], attacking Pentheus with her divine scourge; the frenzied reckless fury of distracting Selene joining in displayed many a phantom shape to maddened Pnetheus [who became lunatic or moon-struck], and made the dread son of Ekhion forget his earlier intent, while she deafened his confused ears with the bray of her divine avenging trumpet, and she terrified the man.”

Nonnus even makes the claim of Selene being connected to lunacy and Dionysos’ Bakkhic rites, which is not surprising. Lunacy is a form of madness connected to the moon. Although Theoi says its a late classical claim, there is no reason it was just never written about before (we’ve lost tonnes of information from that time), and maybe in the span of ancient Greece that might be young, but in the history of the world? That makes it pretty damn old.

“Dionysos waited for darksome night, and appealed in these words to circle Mene (Moon) in heaven : `O daughter of Helios, Mene of many turnings, nurse of all! O Selene, driver of the silver car! If thou art Hekate of many names, if in the night thou doest shake thy mystic torch in brandcarrying hand, come nightwanderer . . . If thou art staghunter Artemis, if on the hills thou dost eagerly hunt with fawnkilling Dionysos, be thy brother’s helper now! . . . I am being chased out of Thebes [by Pentheus] . . . a mortal man, a creature quickly perishing, an enemy of god, persecutes me. As a being of night, help Dionysos of the night, when they pursue me! If thou art Persephoneia, whipperin of the dead, and yours are the ghosts which are subservient to the throne of Tartaros, let me see Pentheus a dead man, and let Hermes thy musterer of ghosts lull to sleep the tears of Dionysos in his grief. With Tartarean whip of thy Tisiphone, or furious Megaira, stop the foolish threats of Pentheus . . .’
To this appeal Mene answered on high : `Night-illuminating Dionysos, friend of plants, comrade of Mene, look to your grapes; my concern is the mystic rites of Bakkhos, for the earth ripens the offspring of your plants when it receives the dewy sparkles of unresting Selene. Then do you, dancing Bakkhos, stretch out your thyrsos and look to your offspring; and you need not fear a race of puny men, whose mind is light, whose threats the whips of the Eumenides [Erinyes] repress perforce. With you I will attack your enemies. Equally with Bakkhos I rule distracted madness. I am the Bakkhic Mene, not alone because in heaven I turn the months, but because I command madness and excite lunacy. I will not leave unpunished earthly violence against you . . .’
Such was the answer of the goldenrein deity to Bromios. But while Bakkhos yet conversed with circling Mene, even then Persephone was arming her Erinyes.”

Also numerous times Dionysos is compared to Selene,

“Orontes [an Indian chief] proud of his armament struck Bakkhos on the top of his head, but wounded him not; he grazed the sharp horn of Bromios all for nothing. For Lord Dionysos wore on that invulnerable head . . . the shape of the bullfaced Selene the Moon . . . Lyaios wore the heavenly image of the cow’s eye Selene, a growth of divine horns which cannot be broken, which enemies cannot shake.”

or his mother is compared to Selene,

“[A Naiad compares the fair Semele to Selene :] I spy a silverfooted maiden stretched under the streams of my river! I believe Selene bathes in the Aonian [Theban] waves on her way to Endymion’s bed on Latmos, the bed of a sleepless shepherd; but if she has prinked herself out for her sweet shepherd, what’s the use of Asopos after the Okeanos stream? And if she has a body white as the snows of heaven, what mark of the Moon has she? A team of mules unbridled and a mule-cart with silver wheels are there on the beach, but Selene knows not how to put mules to her yokestrap–she drives a team of bulls!

or even Selene getting pissed at Aphrodite for making Harmonia (the mother of Semele) and Kadmus fall in love

“When Mene [Selene the Moon] saw the girl [Harmonia, daughter of Aphrodite] following a stranger [Kadmos, her bridegroom] along the shore above the sea, and boiling under fiery constraint, she reproached Kypris [Aphrodite] in mocking words : `So you make war even upon your children, Kypris! Not even the fruit of your womb is spared by the goad of love! Don’t you pity the girl you bore, hardheart? What other girl can you pity then, when you drag your own child into passion?–Then you must go wandering too, my darling. Say to your mother, Paphian’s child, `Phaethon mocks you, and Selene puts me to shame.’ Harmonia, love-tormented exile, leave to Mene her bridegroom Endymion, and care for your vagrant Kadmos. Be ready to endure as much trouble as I have, and when you are weary with lovebegetting anxiety, remember lovewounded Selene.’”

This one is kind of sad, but Ampelos brags to Selene that he is like her in that he now has horns and is riding a ferocious bull. Selene Does Not Approve:

“[Ampelos, love of Dionysos, riding on the back of a wild bull :] He shouted boldly to the fullfaced Moon (Mene)–`Give me best, Selene, horned driver of cattle! Now I am both–I have horns and I ride a bull!’ So he called out boasting to the round Moon. Selene looked with a jealous eye through the air, to see how Ampleos rode on the murderous marauding bull. She sent him a cattlechasing gadfly; and the bull, pricked continually all over by the sharp sting, galloped away like a horse through pathless tracts . . . [it then threw him and gorged him to death].”

Kadmos, the grandfather of Dionysos, dedicates one of the first gates of the new-founded Thebes to Selene:

“He [Kadmos founder of Thebes] dedicated the seven gates [of the new-founded city] to the seven planets. First towards the western clime he allotted the Onkaian Gate to Mene [Selene the Moon] brighteyes, taking the name from the honk of cattle, because Selene herself, bullshaped, horned, driver of cattle, being triform is Tritonis Athene.”

Now Theoi.com does say that Ariadne and Selene were equated earlier in history, but with no reference. Nor does it make sense (I’ve not heard of Ariadne being “originally a moon goddess”) so I’m taking that with a hunk of sea salt. I also can’t find anything with “moon” or “Selene” on Ariadne’s page either, so.

There are also numerous mentions of Selene being bull-faced, or having bulls as steeds, or bull-horns, etc. Just use your search feature on her page and you’ll find ‘em.

Next I will be making a what I assume to be a shorter post of possible connections between Kybele and Selene.

I think something inside of my head opened up.

Nykti Harcourt — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 01:52:29 +0000

Lately I’ve been feeling like either a) I’m being pulled around or b) being pushed towards different deities lately. (Well, if you consider Spider a deity.)

I mean, Dionysos is still well and fully there. Like if I’m on a ship visiting different islands, but I’m still tied to an ivy-wrapped anchor. But its just been… yeah. Spider is there. Recently I had another clue pop in that perhaps Spider has been here longer than I’ve thought (and a time in my life where I was breaking free of previous constraints, and even more afterwards) when I was debating making a Spider-necklace, and realized, I had one from a previous relationship where I had bought two, a bat and a spider necklace, and I got the spider one, despite not liking spiders but at the time I had bought it “just because”. Weird.

Another deity is Selene. Considering the fact that I identify as a “night wanderer”, you would think this a no-brainer. Well, not so much. When I broke away from Wicca, I left behind pretty much every idea of a mothering, moon/earth Goddess. This included Selene. It wasn’t until recently, where I had the nagging insistance to buy a sphere of Selenite (for much cheaper than I thought, and in fact found MUCH pricier elsewhere) that this idea began filtering into my life. So maybe while Spider has always been there, maybe Selene not so much? At the very least I feel broadening my relationships with other deities will help me a lot, and I hope Selene is willing to help. Because I’ve come to terms with this, I feel a lot better. I mean yeah other people are going to douche up connections between humans and Selene, and portray a really bad fluffy-pagan look to the “outside”, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a meaningful connection with Selene. And its pretty apt (like I said before night = moon). You really can’t have the night without a moon, even if we can’t see it.

I have found numerous connections between Selene and Dionysos, and even Selene and Kybele (in one myth Selene nutures and suckles the baby Nemean Lion in a “two-faced” cave; in another myth when a lunar eclipse occures Selene becomes frenzied and enraged and her priests have to clash symbols to break her out of it, as well as stop any witches from trying to drink Selene’s blood). Needless to say, it is AWESOME! I’m going to make another post listing all the connections Selene has, which primarily come from Nonnus’ Dionysiaca, but its still a valid piece of history and myth. However I don’t think all the mentions of Selene were used needlessly, and in fact were put their purposefully (or, if you believe it, he was actually recording “true” myth).

Of course now this has led me to try and write out a more lengthy version of Selene and her relationship with the Nemean Lion (but more from the angle of the Lion being the offspring of Khimaira and Orthros, rather than between Selene and Zeus). Its probably going to be really sad, and my writing skills are rusty but I want to do it.

But man.. I feel when this is all over and I get a break, I am going to crash hard. Ugh. Any other gods want to take up residence? No I’m just kidding please don’t my brain isn’t big enough!!

Another commentary on posts made from June of 2007

Nykti Harcourt — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 22:37:43 +0000

Post made: June 03, 2007

I don’t understand how so many of my friends, my family, strangers can be so apathetic. They sit around, saying that life will still be the same tomorrow. That there is always tomorrow.

But what if its not?

Whats wrong with wanting to live for today? I want to get out there, experience life for what it is. I want to live knowing that I did the best I can. I want to grow. I want to experience life. I want to BE A HUMAN BEING.

I need comfort. I need a helping hand, a hug. I need someone who will be honest, not someone who dances around the truth.

I don’t god damn understand how people can live like that.

THERE IS AN ENTIRE WORLD OUT THERE. WHY CAN’T WE SEE IT?

I also find it funny how true this is, and this is almost exactly how I feel now, wanting to embrace life to the fullest, and how sad I always get when I look around at people who just squander it away. I try helping but it feels like its never enough. But I always have to remember to pick myself out of that messy, dark place and back towards the light.

The next day I made a post on being a recovering atheist, as well as making the post I just posted a commentary for. Weird, eh?

Commentary on a post I made in June of 2007

Nykti Harcourt — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 22:23:04 +0000

Post made: June 04, 2007

The feeling of something tugging on my heart,
and the butterflies a’fluttering in my belly,
have made me extremely happy lately.

It is so awesome to find connections in your life that could link in so many ways to your spiritual path. Its absolutely fucking mindboggling.

It’s like following the yellow brick road that will never end, and so many other little paths you take that you never thought would link to any other, suddenly do. And your just like “WOW!” in the head.

Mind blowing. Simply mind blowing.

Heh. It’s funny how even almost two years later, this is so totally true. I can’t remember how what I was referencing (possibly the event where I’d be thinking of Dionysos and wine bottles showed up, or something else entirely), but it seemed important enough to post.

I wish more people could see the intimate connections that pervade our lives like this.

Hitting rock bottom, and starting all over again

Nykti Harcourt — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:04:38 +0000

Two weeks ago, on a Thursday, I hit my “rock bottom”. I was miserable at work, upset that I was stuck in an environment unhappy and with people who verbally assaulted each other on a regular basis. I was stuck at home, where I felt afraid to do something “outside of the rules”. In fact the Wednesday night before it I was emotionally upset over having stayed out light, really, REALLY frustrated at the fact that I should feel upset and terrified because of my parents’ response. This was also a couple of weeks after them trying to impose a curfew on me and not allow anyone over at a certain time, “Because [they] say so”. This made me furious.

Its also worth noting the night before I had a few minor revelations about Spider (including wondering if she was saying hello, but not realizing it at the moment) that Wednesday night, and was pondering deeply on her forceful changing aspects.

So I went to bed, and like every Thursday I have off, I slept in til well after noon, upset at my life. I got into an argument with my boyfriend in two separate phone calls, found out I got a speeding ticket, and got yelled at more about my room at the hall way (which is a bit of a mess because I am trying to clean out a room that hasn’t been cleaned out in 3 years), which was coupled from the night before when I got into an argument with my dad over me actually cleaning, but instead he decided to be rude and put me down about me supposedly not cleaning at all.

After the second phone call with my boyfriend I grew even more upset, upset at the world, and how could it do this to me? I just wanted to be happy. And then I grew upset at myself, for only a brief moment, asking “Why can’t people make ME happy?”. Eventually some of this led onto the topic of moving out, finding my own job.. and it just clicked. I depended on people so much to do stuff for me. To get things when I was lazy, to make me happy when I was upset.. I was totally depending on other people, and getting upset when they wouldn’t do what I wanted. I had stopped depending on myself. The perfect solution (not internally-wise) was for me to move out on my own, and get my own job. Live on MY terms. They I could approach people, including my family, as ME, not their daughter, not as “this person’s girlfriend”, just as ME.

It felt like I had touched the bottom of a pool, where I had allowed myself to just sink down, not caring that I was not even breathing anymore. It reminds me of an essay written about Dionysos once, and what he does to help people. A lot of people in our world stifle and suffocate our souls. We trap ourselves with chains, push down what we really want, to be social acceptable. I don’t think I was necessarily doing that, but I had stopped fighting to try to free myself. I had a solid 10+ years of doing that, and I grew tired. I had friends. I had a family. I had some sort of income. So why fight? But my emotional and spiritual life was going down the drain. Fights grew more frequent. I had poor sleeping habits (and still do, but I am trying to fix that still). I grew out of touch with everything and just didn’t care. And that day, everything clicked. Everything I needed to do made sense.

Now, I was terrified. This means leaving the only home I’ve ever known. This means leaving my family at work without a spare delivery driver (of which I think was grossly overpaid), the only person there with some competent driving skills where we still hand-write invoices. This was the exact reason WHY I chose not to take a job at the animal rescue shelter downtown (just chalking it up to “too far”). I was terrified. I chickened out and chose to stay in a job that didn’t make me happy, and wasn’t going to help me have any future career in working with animals. Even now I’m still debating whether I truly want to become a vet assistant.

I’m still terrified.. but I’m going forward with things. I am re-doing my resume in hopes that it will look nice to where I want to work (the only experience I have with animals is working for over a year as volunteer work, and still am). Apartment looking is on hold at the moment, but I am still looking. This Tuesday I wavered (thinking “.. maybe I’ll just wait”). But when I checked my bank account a couple of days ago, I felt renewed. I full expected my account balance to be around $400-$500 dollars. When I put my check in and took $100 out to help pay off my ticket, I found I had just under $900 in there, even AFTER I must have spent $60 on crystals and incense. It made me feel good that I can save money, even when I splurge once in a while. Now I know I need a lot more money, and I won’t be moving out until I get a new, stable job.. but knowing I can do this helps push me forward.

And in the past few weeks (more so even this week) I have felt that divine presence in my life. Its really subtle, actually. I’ll talk more on the creepy coincidences in another post, but I’ve felt Dionysos there strongly. Here’s here with me, trying to push me forward into something that will make me happy. Living and depending on others is obviously making me very NOT happy. And I think also when I move out my spiritual life will greatly increase. I will be able to set up altar and shrine space anywhere I want. I will be able to grow things I could never do before. I’ll be able to sleep and eat when I want. I can work out when I want. Of course all of this needs self-constraint.. but its that freedom I long for that I don’t have here.

And I really hope I get it (and I don’t live to regret it). :)

A weird connection. Or someone saying hello?

Nykti Harcourt — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 06:31:57 +0000

So, on the first game night me and my friends had (sadly the ONLY one, so far) I was researching Spider for an odd reason.

Now this may not be so odd to you guys who know Her (or Him, as the case may be). Wednesday was the game night. And Spider has some connections with Hermes. And Wednesday is a day some followers to him dedicate to this god, due to his connections with Woden, I believe.

I wasn’t really giving it much thought, tbh. I’m a knowledge-whore (rather than a library-whore or a book-whore, methinks). When I want to know something, I research it to death. And when I was looking up stuff on Spider, I delved deeper. I was curious. “Who are you, little black thing with eight legs? Where are you scuttling off to?”

And so I followed. I’m not going to lie and tell you guys I had some big spiritual revelations (from what I’ve heard about Spider, she isn’t necessarily all that big on the flash-boom-revelations when not in trance, it seems) or anything like that. But I think its something akin to Dionysos’ little tune that has me coming back each time. And mayhaps he is pointing me in the direction of Spider?

Because just now, after looking at some of sannion ’s post on her, I feel like someone dropped a tiny lightbulb on my head. Eight is a sacred number to her and Hermes. And apparently fours. When I got off my computer to join my comrades in a game of cards, during the first came I believe I had two cards in my hands, the four of clubs and the four of spades. And instantly I thought “Spider”. I don’t know why I did. At the time I hadn’t seen anything particularily relevant to Spider and numbers (or anything that stuck in my head at least) nor any connection to card decks. But it just happened and I stored it away for later masticating (that thing that cows do when they chew their food for long periods of time).

Just now I thought: “What if that was a sign from Spider? Saying: “I’m here” ?”

Universe: *drops tiny lightbulb*

Me: …. Oh.

I should also note that earlier tonight I was contemplating boundaries while researching Spider, and once again affirmed the thought that Dionysos is a god of boundaries and breaking them… however it is more breaking the boundaries we HAVE rather than the ones we already BROKE. I’ve broken boundaries of gender, sexuality, academia, spirituality, relationships (seriously, you people have no idea what kind of fanfiction I read), gaming, etc. But I have a lot more boundaries to break. And maybe thats why Spider is crawling her way into my life. Spiders ick me. That is a boundary I’m not so willing to break.

“Say good bye to that boundary, Nykti.”

“…. D: ”

Cleaning out the cobwebs

Nykti Harcourt — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 04:19:12 +0000

I’m going to try cleaning the cobwebs out of this place, as well as going back to old religious posts I made on other websites and talk about them here.

Excuse the mess please! :)