B is for Brighid

Brigit’s Fire by Ayrtha

 

As I continue to play catch up with the Pagan Blog Project, it’s my shift tonight for the Cauldron’s Cill group, and who better to talk about than Brighid?

I have an… interesting relationship with Brighid. For those who don’t know me, I am intensely attracted to the strange, the violent, the erotic, the exotic, etc etc. Most of the gods I have given worship or honour to have had this in some quality or another. But Brighid is… not. My view of her, prior to the start of the Lady of the Stars SIG on TC, was skewed towards what I knew from fellow Cauldronites, or what I knew from mainstream paganism. A goddess of hearth and home, flame and blacksmithing. She had myths and stories attributed to her, and from the few Brighid-folk I knew, inspired and cultivated an intense devotion to her.

I just wasn’t interested in her, and it was nothing person. I thought (and still sort of do, but I’ll get into that) she was, well… boring. None of the aspects of Brighid’s expertise fell into what I was looking into at the time, at least consciously. I wasn’t looking for grounding, or a safe harbor. I’ve always sought destruction, dissolution, rebuilding and being reborn into something stronger and greater than I was before. If there was any indication of her future involvement in my life, I definitely didn’t realize it.

And then that all changed. In the beginning of November of 2010, a number of Cauldronites hit on an idea on the primal nature of Brighid, of her role being what is told in Irish or Scottish myth. The concept was that Brighid was the star, the bright, illuminating, fiery thing between the empty, dark, cold of space. At the time these posts were first coming about I wasn’t all that interested in them. I had more focus on my Scottish and Irish heritage, and had decided to persue an interest in the Cailleach after a brief period of “Fuck it, I’m done with the gods; I’ll go check out the land wights and ancestors instead.”. It wasn’t until I had decided to check out the threads where these revelations were coming from that I felt like I was hit in the head with my own revelation.

I discussed this in the post titled “Old Woman Winter/O Brighid/I am Her child, I am Herself” and my long path to where I’m talking to now, but basically I realized that an oracle I received a long way back looking for my place in a religious community pointed to this group right here (and later had some more confirmation). You can also check out the Brighid/Cailleach tag (which I am considering splitting up) for more on my travels with these two. Needless to say, I discovered that Brighid was the heart of the star, or at the heart of the star, a part of a greater entity we called the Lady of the Stars. But there was an opposite to her, something dark and deep, the space between the stars. I have tentatively titled her Cailleach, but I don’t think it’s exactly accurate. It’s still very up in the air, and I highly doubt I will ever figure it out.

The Lady of the Stars was that deep spark I needed, who spanned beyond Brighid. She had a trickster nature about her, and revealed herself to me in a form that hinted at a psychopompos nature as well. She appeared many times in my dreams, and equally in my waking thoughts and “meditations”. Buuuut I hit one of my many stumbling blocks that I’ve also discussed here before (just recently in fact. See: Action), and my worship fell by the wayside. I felt I was kidding myself or doing something wrong, although I’ve never given up in what I’ve experienced, how brief it was. By writing this, it makes me realize I still need to try and do something, to figure out why the hell she wanted my attention in the first place.

Over time, I realized I could not leave the nature of Brighid completely behind. We discussed this in the group, how things could not stay at this fever pitch of connection with the Lady of the Stars (the concept is similar to starfire in the Feri tradition, I think). One quote I was reminded of in these discussions was in Kushiel’s Justice by Jacqueline Carey, when Amarante responds to Imriel’s cruel accusations that she doesn’t care about her mistress Sidonie’s actions:

Love’s not always a raging tempest, Imri. It can be a safe harbor too.

It’s a hard lesson to understand, as someone who is as passionate as Imriel no Montreve de la Courcel. I always assume passion, devotion, and love are to be like a raging tempest, something you can completely lose yourself in and come out completely changed. Coming to terms with the fact that my relationship with Brighid may never be like that (as well as other relationships in my life) makes me have to re-evaluate huge portions of my life and how I view the world. I am not a person who can do subtlety, even though I can recognize it in others. Sometimes a relationship is a safe harbor, where one heals or spends time learning.

When I came to these realizations (even though I may not have dealt with them), I realized I did not have to give up a relationship with Brighid. She’s there, regardless of whether I want her to be there. I am however at a bit of a loss in what to do with what’s between us. I have very little to no information on what she wants me to do, beyond having requested a tattoo (at the right time, and with the right idea) and spending more time learning or seeking knowledge. I’ve also determined since the beginning of the Lady of the Stars group that I was always going to straddle the line between the bright stuff of the star and the dark stuff of space, and that my path was going to wander many times into the chthonic.

I don’t think I’d claim Brighid as my patron. The term seems inadequate, especially when thinks of how it is used in mainstream paganism. It doesn’t encompass how she came to me, what her role is in my life, the confusion and the feeling of “this is home, but I’m a wanderer and that’s okay”. Maybe it’s just because I don’t like the term, and not just because Brighid takes on a feminine form most of the time. I have no idea what she wants from me, and whether claiming her as my patron will even be an accurate title of what that work will entail.

I’m also realizing now these posts will probably be a combination of my internal musings and discussion of how these pagan elements interact with my life, as well as informational posts, although I doubt they’ll solely be those. Not that I think anyone minds, but I just want to give a heads-up. :)

(On a bit of a side note, I’m a bit amused. I was looking through my private journal at entries I made on Brighid, and in one I had recorded a tarot reading I did for myself on my second Cill shift, asking the Lady of the Stars what I should be paying attention to in the upcoming month. The last card I drew was the Nine of Cups, a card of wishes, happiness, etc. At the time I had no idea what the hell it was referencing, as during that time I was going through hell emotionally. It wasn’t until on a hunch while writing this that I decided to go through my journal and found exactly a month later I had a reading done by a friend who helped me by realizing that I needed to move on from the toxic mindset I was in because of a potential relationship that went bad. Heh.)

So… that’s Brighid and I in a nutshell. It’s certainly been an interesting last two years with her, and I look forward to many more.