sometimes i want to hate You

sometimes i want to hate You
desire caught up in the synapses of my brain
screaming writhing wailing
i’m like a wolf without a pack
a maenad without a horrific Lord
of perverse pleasures, sweet like
dark honey, the blood of Melissa(e)

i wonder what i did wrong
did i not try hard enough? (i didn’t)
did i not have enough faith in You? (i didn’t)
am i the wrong kind of person for Your Mysteries? (maybe)

i sit here on the side lines, wracked with guilt
watching waiting hoping
maenads dressed in silks and furs
with faces of foxes and wolves that taunt me
in my sleep
(poisoned words filled with dreams and small deaths)

why do i not get up and join the dance?
what do i have to lose?

everything.

(i want to lose everything in You.)

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