Two weeks ago, on a Thursday, I hit my “rock bottom”. I was miserable at work, upset that I was stuck in an environment unhappy and with people who verbally assaulted each other on a regular basis. I was stuck at home, where I felt afraid to do something “outside of the rules”. In fact the Wednesday night before it I was emotionally upset over having stayed out light, really, REALLY frustrated at the fact that I should feel upset and terrified because of my parents’ response. This was also a couple of weeks after them trying to impose a curfew on me and not allow anyone over at a certain time, “Because [they] say so”. This made me furious.
Its also worth noting the night before I had a few minor revelations about Spider (including wondering if she was saying hello, but not realizing it at the moment) that Wednesday night, and was pondering deeply on her forceful changing aspects.
So I went to bed, and like every Thursday I have off, I slept in til well after noon, upset at my life. I got into an argument with my boyfriend in two separate phone calls, found out I got a speeding ticket, and got yelled at more about my room at the hall way (which is a bit of a mess because I am trying to clean out a room that hasn’t been cleaned out in 3 years), which was coupled from the night before when I got into an argument with my dad over me actually cleaning, but instead he decided to be rude and put me down about me supposedly not cleaning at all.
After the second phone call with my boyfriend I grew even more upset, upset at the world, and how could it do this to me? I just wanted to be happy. And then I grew upset at myself, for only a brief moment, asking “Why can’t people make ME happy?”. Eventually some of this led onto the topic of moving out, finding my own job.. and it just clicked. I depended on people so much to do stuff for me. To get things when I was lazy, to make me happy when I was upset.. I was totally depending on other people, and getting upset when they wouldn’t do what I wanted. I had stopped depending on myself. The perfect solution (not internally-wise) was for me to move out on my own, and get my own job. Live on MY terms. They I could approach people, including my family, as ME, not their daughter, not as “this person’s girlfriend”, just as ME.
It felt like I had touched the bottom of a pool, where I had allowed myself to just sink down, not caring that I was not even breathing anymore. It reminds me of an essay written about Dionysos once, and what he does to help people. A lot of people in our world stifle and suffocate our souls. We trap ourselves with chains, push down what we really want, to be social acceptable. I don’t think I was necessarily doing that, but I had stopped fighting to try to free myself. I had a solid 10+ years of doing that, and I grew tired. I had friends. I had a family. I had some sort of income. So why fight? But my emotional and spiritual life was going down the drain. Fights grew more frequent. I had poor sleeping habits (and still do, but I am trying to fix that still). I grew out of touch with everything and just didn’t care. And that day, everything clicked. Everything I needed to do made sense.
Now, I was terrified. This means leaving the only home I’ve ever known. This means leaving my family at work without a spare delivery driver (of which I think was grossly overpaid), the only person there with some competent driving skills where we still hand-write invoices. This was the exact reason WHY I chose not to take a job at the animal rescue shelter downtown (just chalking it up to “too far”). I was terrified. I chickened out and chose to stay in a job that didn’t make me happy, and wasn’t going to help me have any future career in working with animals. Even now I’m still debating whether I truly want to become a vet assistant.
I’m still terrified.. but I’m going forward with things. I am re-doing my resume in hopes that it will look nice to where I want to work (the only experience I have with animals is working for over a year as volunteer work, and still am). Apartment looking is on hold at the moment, but I am still looking. This Tuesday I wavered (thinking “.. maybe I’ll just wait”). But when I checked my bank account a couple of days ago, I felt renewed. I full expected my account balance to be around $400-$500 dollars. When I put my check in and took $100 out to help pay off my ticket, I found I had just under $900 in there, even AFTER I must have spent $60 on crystals and incense. It made me feel good that I can save money, even when I splurge once in a while. Now I know I need a lot more money, and I won’t be moving out until I get a new, stable job.. but knowing I can do this helps push me forward.
And in the past few weeks (more so even this week) I have felt that divine presence in my life. Its really subtle, actually. I’ll talk more on the creepy coincidences in another post, but I’ve felt Dionysos there strongly. Here’s here with me, trying to push me forward into something that will make me happy. Living and depending on others is obviously making me very NOT happy. And I think also when I move out my spiritual life will greatly increase. I will be able to set up altar and shrine space anywhere I want. I will be able to grow things I could never do before. I’ll be able to sleep and eat when I want. I can work out when I want. Of course all of this needs self-constraint.. but its that freedom I long for that I don’t have here.
And I really hope I get it (and I don’t live to regret it). :)