Selene and Dionysos

I have found quite a few things exciting about Lady Selene (seriously, can we praise Theoi.com enough?), after getting the nudge from her (or Someone Else) to look more into her myths. And man did I find a lot!

I think something inside of my head opened up.

Lately I’ve been feeling like either a) I’m being pulled around or b) being pushed towards different deities lately. (Well, if you consider Spider a deity.)

I mean, Dionysos is still well and fully there. Like if I’m on a ship visiting different islands, but I’m still tied to an ivy-wrapped anchor. But its just been… yeah. Spider is there. Recently I had another clue pop in that perhaps Spider has been here longer than I’ve thought (and a time in my life where I was breaking free of previous constraints, and even more afterwards) when I was debating making a Spider-necklace, and realized, I had one from a previous relationship where I had bought two, a bat and a spider necklace, and I got the spider one, despite not liking spiders but at the time I had bought it “just because”. Weird.

Another deity is Selene. Considering the fact that I identify as a “night wanderer”, you would think this a no-brainer. Well, not so much. When I broke away from Wicca, I left behind pretty much every idea of a mothering, moon/earth Goddess. This included Selene. It wasn’t until recently, where I had the nagging insistance to buy a sphere of Selenite (for much cheaper than I thought, and in fact found MUCH pricier elsewhere) that this idea began filtering into my life. So maybe while Spider has always been there, maybe Selene not so much? At the very least I feel broadening my relationships with other deities will help me a lot, and I hope Selene is willing to help. Because I’ve come to terms with this, I feel a lot better. I mean yeah other people are going to douche up connections between humans and Selene, and portray a really bad fluffy-pagan look to the “outside”, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a meaningful connection with Selene. And its pretty apt (like I said before night = moon). You really can’t have the night without a moon, even if we can’t see it.

I have found numerous connections between Selene and Dionysos, and even Selene and Kybele (in one myth Selene nutures and suckles the baby Nemean Lion in a “two-faced” cave; in another myth when a lunar eclipse occures Selene becomes frenzied and enraged and her priests have to clash symbols to break her out of it, as well as stop any witches from trying to drink Selene’s blood). Needless to say, it is AWESOME! I’m going to make another post listing all the connections Selene has, which primarily come from Nonnus’ Dionysiaca, but its still a valid piece of history and myth. However I don’t think all the mentions of Selene were used needlessly, and in fact were put their purposefully (or, if you believe it, he was actually recording “true” myth).

Of course now this has led me to try and write out a more lengthy version of Selene and her relationship with the Nemean Lion (but more from the angle of the Lion being the offspring of Khimaira and Orthros, rather than between Selene and Zeus). Its probably going to be really sad, and my writing skills are rusty but I want to do it.

But man.. I feel when this is all over and I get a break, I am going to crash hard. Ugh. Any other gods want to take up residence? No I’m just kidding please don’t my brain isn’t big enough!!

Another commentary on posts made from June of 2007

Post made: June 03, 2007

I don’t understand how so many of my friends, my family, strangers can be so apathetic. They sit around, saying that life will still be the same tomorrow. That there is always tomorrow.

But what if its not?

Whats wrong with wanting to live for today? I want to get out there, experience life for what it is. I want to live knowing that I did the best I can. I want to grow. I want to experience life. I want to BE A HUMAN BEING.

I need comfort. I need a helping hand, a hug. I need someone who will be honest, not someone who dances around the truth.

I don’t god damn understand how people can live like that.

THERE IS AN ENTIRE WORLD OUT THERE. WHY CAN’T WE SEE IT?

I also find it funny how true this is, and this is almost exactly how I feel now, wanting to embrace life to the fullest, and how sad I always get when I look around at people who just squander it away. I try helping but it feels like its never enough. But I always have to remember to pick myself out of that messy, dark place and back towards the light.

The next day I made a post on being a recovering atheist, as well as making the post I just posted a commentary for. Weird, eh?

Commentary on a post I made in June of 2007

Post made: June 04, 2007

The feeling of something tugging on my heart,
and the butterflies a’fluttering in my belly,
have made me extremely happy lately.

It is so awesome to find connections in your life that could link in so many ways to your spiritual path. Its absolutely fucking mindboggling.

It’s like following the yellow brick road that will never end, and so many other little paths you take that you never thought would link to any other, suddenly do. And your just like “WOW!” in the head.

Mind blowing. Simply mind blowing.

Heh. It’s funny how even almost two years later, this is so totally true. I can’t remember how what I was referencing (possibly the event where I’d be thinking of Dionysos and wine bottles showed up, or something else entirely), but it seemed important enough to post.

I wish more people could see the intimate connections that pervade our lives like this.

Hitting rock bottom, and starting all over again

Two weeks ago, on a Thursday, I hit my “rock bottom”. I was miserable at work, upset that I was stuck in an environment unhappy and with people who verbally assaulted each other on a regular basis. I was stuck at home, where I felt afraid to do something “outside of the rules”. In fact the Wednesday night before it I was emotionally upset over having stayed out light, really, REALLY frustrated at the fact that I should feel upset and terrified because of my parents’ response. This was also a couple of weeks after them trying to impose a curfew on me and not allow anyone over at a certain time, “Because [they] say so”. This made me furious.

Its also worth noting the night before I had a few minor revelations about Spider (including wondering if she was saying hello, but not realizing it at the moment) that Wednesday night, and was pondering deeply on her forceful changing aspects.

So I went to bed, and like every Thursday I have off, I slept in til well after noon, upset at my life. I got into an argument with my boyfriend in two separate phone calls, found out I got a speeding ticket, and got yelled at more about my room at the hall way (which is a bit of a mess because I am trying to clean out a room that hasn’t been cleaned out in 3 years), which was coupled from the night before when I got into an argument with my dad over me actually cleaning, but instead he decided to be rude and put me down about me supposedly not cleaning at all.

After the second phone call with my boyfriend I grew even more upset, upset at the world, and how could it do this to me? I just wanted to be happy. And then I grew upset at myself, for only a brief moment, asking “Why can’t people make ME happy?”. Eventually some of this led onto the topic of moving out, finding my own job.. and it just clicked. I depended on people so much to do stuff for me. To get things when I was lazy, to make me happy when I was upset.. I was totally depending on other people, and getting upset when they wouldn’t do what I wanted. I had stopped depending on myself. The perfect solution (not internally-wise) was for me to move out on my own, and get my own job. Live on MY terms. They I could approach people, including my family, as ME, not their daughter, not as “this person’s girlfriend”, just as ME.

It felt like I had touched the bottom of a pool, where I had allowed myself to just sink down, not caring that I was not even breathing anymore. It reminds me of an essay written about Dionysos once, and what he does to help people. A lot of people in our world stifle and suffocate our souls. We trap ourselves with chains, push down what we really want, to be social acceptable. I don’t think I was necessarily doing that, but I had stopped fighting to try to free myself. I had a solid 10+ years of doing that, and I grew tired. I had friends. I had a family. I had some sort of income. So why fight? But my emotional and spiritual life was going down the drain. Fights grew more frequent. I had poor sleeping habits (and still do, but I am trying to fix that still). I grew out of touch with everything and just didn’t care. And that day, everything clicked. Everything I needed to do made sense.

Now, I was terrified. This means leaving the only home I’ve ever known. This means leaving my family at work without a spare delivery driver (of which I think was grossly overpaid), the only person there with some competent driving skills where we still hand-write invoices. This was the exact reason WHY I chose not to take a job at the animal rescue shelter downtown (just chalking it up to “too far”). I was terrified. I chickened out and chose to stay in a job that didn’t make me happy, and wasn’t going to help me have any future career in working with animals. Even now I’m still debating whether I truly want to become a vet assistant.

I’m still terrified.. but I’m going forward with things. I am re-doing my resume in hopes that it will look nice to where I want to work (the only experience I have with animals is working for over a year as volunteer work, and still am). Apartment looking is on hold at the moment, but I am still looking. This Tuesday I wavered (thinking “.. maybe I’ll just wait”). But when I checked my bank account a couple of days ago, I felt renewed. I full expected my account balance to be around $400-$500 dollars. When I put my check in and took $100 out to help pay off my ticket, I found I had just under $900 in there, even AFTER I must have spent $60 on crystals and incense. It made me feel good that I can save money, even when I splurge once in a while. Now I know I need a lot more money, and I won’t be moving out until I get a new, stable job.. but knowing I can do this helps push me forward.

And in the past few weeks (more so even this week) I have felt that divine presence in my life. Its really subtle, actually. I’ll talk more on the creepy coincidences in another post, but I’ve felt Dionysos there strongly. Here’s here with me, trying to push me forward into something that will make me happy. Living and depending on others is obviously making me very NOT happy. And I think also when I move out my spiritual life will greatly increase. I will be able to set up altar and shrine space anywhere I want. I will be able to grow things I could never do before. I’ll be able to sleep and eat when I want. I can work out when I want. Of course all of this needs self-constraint.. but its that freedom I long for that I don’t have here.

And I really hope I get it (and I don’t live to regret it). :)

A weird connection. Or someone saying hello?

So, on the first game night me and my friends had (sadly the ONLY one, so far) I was researching Spider for an odd reason.

Now this may not be so odd to you guys who know Her (or Him, as the case may be). Wednesday was the game night. And Spider has some connections with Hermes. And Wednesday is a day some followers to him dedicate to this god, due to his connections with Woden, I believe.

I wasn’t really giving it much thought, tbh. I’m a knowledge-whore (rather than a library-whore or a book-whore, methinks). When I want to know something, I research it to death. And when I was looking up stuff on Spider, I delved deeper. I was curious. “Who are you, little black thing with eight legs? Where are you scuttling off to?”

And so I followed. I’m not going to lie and tell you guys I had some big spiritual revelations (from what I’ve heard about Spider, she isn’t necessarily all that big on the flash-boom-revelations when not in trance, it seems) or anything like that. But I think its something akin to Dionysos’ little tune that has me coming back each time. And mayhaps he is pointing me in the direction of Spider?

Because just now, after looking at some of sannion ’s post on her, I feel like someone dropped a tiny lightbulb on my head. Eight is a sacred number to her and Hermes. And apparently fours. When I got off my computer to join my comrades in a game of cards, during the first came I believe I had two cards in my hands, the four of clubs and the four of spades. And instantly I thought “Spider”. I don’t know why I did. At the time I hadn’t seen anything particularily relevant to Spider and numbers (or anything that stuck in my head at least) nor any connection to card decks. But it just happened and I stored it away for later masticating (that thing that cows do when they chew their food for long periods of time).

Just now I thought: “What if that was a sign from Spider? Saying: “I’m here” ?”

Universe: *drops tiny lightbulb*

Me: …. Oh.

I should also note that earlier tonight I was contemplating boundaries while researching Spider, and once again affirmed the thought that Dionysos is a god of boundaries and breaking them… however it is more breaking the boundaries we HAVE rather than the ones we already BROKE. I’ve broken boundaries of gender, sexuality, academia, spirituality, relationships (seriously, you people have no idea what kind of fanfiction I read), gaming, etc. But I have a lot more boundaries to break. And maybe thats why Spider is crawling her way into my life. Spiders ick me. That is a boundary I’m not so willing to break.

“Say good bye to that boundary, Nykti.”

“…. D: ”

Cleaning out the cobwebs

I’m going to try cleaning the cobwebs out of this place, as well as going  back to old religious posts I made on other websites and talk about them here.

Excuse the mess please! :)

The coming warmth

As I was driving towards my boyfriend’s house, I rolled down the window, enjoying the evening breeze. The waxing moon was visible in the darkening sky, a sharp sliver of silvery-white. And I felt a little home-sick. Not that I was leaving my actual home, but that I missed being able to go out at night and not having the painful winter cold strike my skin through my clothing, driving my indoors and loathing going outside. Thats whats cruel about living here sometimes: Winnipeg is a city of extreme temperatures, especially during the winter.

 But back to the main point of my story. I really did miss the nights with the cool breeze whipping through my hair, caressing my skin. Even though its still winter, I can tell that spring is on its way now. It’s gotten warmer before, but nothing like this. I honestly cannot wait when I can go outside without a jacket, or be able to watch the loud lightning storms as the rain falls from the sky. It’s really hard to explain this all in words about how I felt, but it definately re-affirmed my of something: that the night’s, and the night wanderer’s, call is something that I cannot ignore. It sings to my soul, like a soft flute playing that exact tune that you’ll listen despite anything.

It doesn’t mean that I’ll just stop doing everything and follow (though I do believe that one day that will happen), but it knows I am listening when it calls.

I think its time I get to cleaning up my space. It’s long overdue.

First post – welcome!

So.. hello and welcome my religious-themed blog, nyktipolos. It is one of Dionysos’s epithets, and means “night wanderer”. I picked it because at the time (summer time) I loved and still love the night, and often make nightly excursions out of the house, which is a bit terrifying (and a bit stupid on my part). It really summed up things about Dionysos for me as well, because I think its probably a bit hard to approach a God like Him without being a bit afraid.

I’d really like this to be a place where I can post my rantings and musing about my own spiritual path, and I really welcome others to come in and give advice when I do something completely wrong or crazy.